French Appreciation Month - Day 3

Day 3 - Kronenbourg 1664

To say that the French are not known for their beers would be an incredible understatement. However, that probably has to do a whole lot more to do with how much emphasis the French put on their wine and less to do with how capable they are as brewers. Just sheerly based on geography, you would expect decent beer chops to somehow diffuse into France from the neighboring countries of Belgium, Germany, and England. Before you argue how easily beer brewing could diffuse across the English Channel, I would point out two things: the French invaded the British Isles often enough to have picked up a thing or two; and with the Chunnel, we no longer require prospective brewers to resort to swimming the channel.

Still, there aren't a whole ton of French beers to choose from. Indeed, the coffee table book, "Beers of the World," by David Kenning doesn't even give France a whole chapter; they have to share a chapter with Luxembourg instead. Luxembourg? Under 1000 square miles and smaller than Rhode Island? Sorry, not a country. And even the Italians, Swiss, and Czech each got their own chapter. The British Isles got three chapters. But I would argue that quantity isn't everything. I rather enjoy Fischer, and several of the other French offerings could be better classified as barley wines, with alcohol contents of up to 13%.

And I can very strongly recommend Kronenbourg 1664. I will forgive you if you thought this might be a German beer, based on the name. I made the same mistake. But it is most definitely French, and definitely delicious. It is a lager, relatively light in color but sufficiently strong in taste. A hint of fruit and a reasonable hop content round it out. It is not a complex or challenging beer by any stretch, but there is nothing wrong with having an enjoyable beer that you aren't required to pay a lot of attention to.

Thank you, France!

French Appreciation Month - Day 2

Day 2 - French Fries

First of all, they are delicious. Do you think America would have the health problem it does, or if the documentary Supersize Me would ever have been made if they tasted like oiled turnips? No, it wouldn't.

And I don't care that everyone is trying to rename them, calling them country fries, or steak fries, or even "Freedom Fries." We all know what they are - you can dress them up all you want and put on airs, but they are French fries, plain and simple.

And before you get pedantic and point out that they are actually Belgian and that the French don't call them French fries, but rather pommes frites, I would argue that both of those points actually work to make the French more awesome for making French Fries as follows:

1. Stealing an idea from someone else and making it yours. This is what America is all about, so when another country does it, we have to give them props. We don't talk about the first company to come out with an MP3 player, but rather the company who did a better job marketing it.

2. Not sticking your country name on a product within your own country. Quick, start thinking about food products named after countries. OK, what's the worst product you just thought of. You might have thought of English muffins. Those things are awesome. How the heck do they get all those nooks and crannies in there? Swiss Cheese? Equally awesome. I have to assume they are using some 4th dimensional wizardry to place the holes in the middle of the block of cheese. Spanish rice? Way better than white rice. Which brings us to American cheese. WORST. CHEESE. EVER. In order to get worse, you have to drop down to "cheese food" labelled products. So, in France they are called pomme fritte, but outside of France, they are French fries.

International marketing and screwing over the Belgians at the same time? Double bonus points! Thank you, France.

French Appreciation Month - Day 1

I don't know quite when it started, but at some point I realized I was taking too many jabs at the expense of the French. Not that I think that anyone is above (or below) getting a jab, but it should take some work - it shouldn't just end up being an automatic reaction. I tried to switch it up into something more exotic and tried making fun of the Belgians for a while, but it was just a little too obscure. Plus, over beers it's hard to work in jokes for a government that makes Italy look stable.

I think it dawned on me that I had a problem when we were out to lunch, someone brought up the French, and the conversation silenced while all heads swiveled towards me, waiting for me to make an inane comment. To be clear, almost all my comments are inane. But they were specifically waiting for an inane comment about the French.

So, in an effort to break a bad habit, I'll be blogging daily for the next 30 days about "Things I like about the French." Your solicitations and input, as always, are welcomed and appreciated. I already have a backlog of a couple dozen things, but might need help rounding it out to 30.

(And, by the way, just because I am declaring French amnesty, please don't take this to mean that I am letting the French-Canadians off the hook. I'm not. I'm talking to you Québécois!)

Day 1 - Phoenix

Simply said, this band rocks. You can check them out here, but if you listen to alternative rock, they are probably already a familiar sound for you, with such songs as Lisztomania and 1901. Of additional note is their lack of an accent. Not that I think that all music should be sung in English, but since I can barely talk in a foreign language, their ability to sing in one is outstanding. And lest you think I am exaggerating, I was given detention for my horrible pronunciation of taxímetro. And then, eventually, a "D" in Spanish 4.

Just to prove that they really are pulling off something impressive by singing sans accent, here is a clip of them accepting a Grammy this year. (fast forward to 1:00)

Thank you, France!

4 out of 5 Marriages End in Divorce, says Apple

Recent results from Apple scientists indicate that 4 out of 5 marriages end in divorce. Additional studies showed that 4 out of 5 Americans were Republicans, that 4 out of 5 Americans were watching the World Cup, and something to do with iPhones.

However, in a dramatic turnaround, yesterday Apple issued a retraction:

Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the formula we use to calculate how many people were affected is totally wrong. Our graphs, in many instances, mistakenly displays 2 more things than it should for a given data set. For example, we sometimes display 4 people divorcing (out of 5) when we should be displaying as few as 2 people out of 5.

To fix this, we are adopting AT&T’s recently recommended formula. The real data remains the same, but the Apple scientists will now report it far more accurately, providing users a much better indication of the data. We are also making people 1, 2 and 3 a bit taller so they will be easier to see.

Two issues here are troubling me here:

1. Apple is somehow making shorter people taller. As a tall person, I view this as a threat.

2. Apple is adopting something from AT&T? That seems like bad idea. 4 out of 5 fanboys absolutely hate AT&T. However, maybe Apple can adjust the fanboy signal strength as well.

Microsoft says "We are proud of being stupid"

OK, quick rant here. Microsoft, in an attempt to finally have a modern browser is beginning to trumpet their IE9 version of the product. Reading about it yesterday, I was stunned to hear that they were not going to support running IE9 on Windows XP. And if you want to run it on Vista, you better be on the latest Service Pack 2.

I laughed, but figured maybe they were doing something unique that was going to let them leapfrog everyone else and really have a blisteringly fast browser. Then today, I found this site that lets you "test drive" IE9 and has links to all the tests. Being lazy, I just started clicking on the links without downloading and installing the IE Platform Preview. Being slightly dense (or just coming out of a Meatball Sub Food Coma), it took me a bit to realize that everything I was seeing was just running in my own browser. Which happens to be Google Chrome, and not IE. I had been mistakenly impressed with IE9 until I realized that I was just running the tests in Chrome. And Chrome was blowing the tests out of the water.There is a test called "Acid3" that identifies how compliant a browser is to Web Standards. Clicking on the link will open up a screenshot that shows that IE9 scores 55/100. They also give you a link so you can run the test live. Microsoft cautions you that There’s a pause when the score gets to 39 but the test will continue after a few seconds." However, when I click the link, Google Chrome takes all of 2 seconds to rack up a perfect 100/100.

So, I opened IE8 to see what the test drive site looked like there. IE8 can only run 8 of the 15 demos and takes 16 seconds to get a dismal 20/100 score. So, I suppose it is good that IE9 can run all 15 of the tests, when they finally button it up. But, wait! I can run all 15 of the tests right now in Google Chrome. And it doesn't crash. And I don't have to upgrade from XP.

Microsoft is already facing loss of browser share with all the woes that IE6 puts people through and the fact that website after website are declaring that they will no longer support IE6. And now they are making people jump through hoops for a not-yet-released IE9 to get functionality that is available today.

So, do yourself a favor, IE users. Upgrade today. Just not to a Microsoft product. Instead, try Chrome, Firefox, Opera, or Safari. You'll be glad you did.

Curling and the Suspension of Disbelief

I know two facts:

1. Curling is absolutely ridiculous.

2. I absolutely love curling.

The surprising thing is that apparently I am unable to know both those facts at the same time. Let me explain.

First off: Curling. I don’t think I stand a chance of explaining curling properly. That is the job of Wikipedia: Other people explaining stuff with the air of authority so that I don’t have to. But, to give you a quick overview, curling is a “sport” that was added to the Olympics as a demonstration event in 1998, but now is officially recognized with medals. A team of four people engage in what amounts to ice shuffleboard, using 42 lb. granite rocks, with the added complexity of brooms to sweep the ice. I don’t fully understand the brooms, but it results in having the team skip screaming, “hard hard hard hard hard” at the other, while the sweepers work with a cleaning frenzy that is both admirable and comical.

The name itself comes from the fact that the players are able to get the stones to curl and bend around each other on the ice, allowing the best players to almost magically place the stone into the tightest pockets and stop them on a dime. I have yet to see anyone make a stone hook around and travel back the way it came, but I keep watching hopefully.

So, this Olympic season, I was watching curling (and loving it) and my wife came in and sat down and started pointing out how ridiculous it is. I was uncontrollably and immediately jarred back into reality – it was like getting hit with a bucket of cold water. I had been sitting on the sofa a minute prior, absolutely loving watching the match, and here I was having the inanity of the sport pointed out in full and careful detail. And the shocking thing I realized is that everything that she was saying was stuff that I would (or have) said about curling.

I had always fooled myself into thinking that I was this incredibly rational being, who, while enjoying watching curling, still appreciated the ridiculous nature of it. I was just watching the sport ironically. But the reality is that that, in the moment, you really love the things you love, regardless how ridiculous they are. The same thing happens with good action movies with over-the-top action plots and with video games that are capable of constructing completely fleshed-out alternate worlds. Sure, after the movie, you turn to your friend and say, “Yeah, that part where they ducked underneath that pinwheeling car? Pshaw!” But during the movie? You’re saying, “DUCK!!! YEAH!!!” And you really mean it, both times.

So, unfortunately, I realized I am guilty of doing the exact same thing (throwing the metaphorical bucket of cold water to trigger disbelief) when my wife is catching up on her soaps or a movie on Lifetime. So, I make the following promise. “I will stop trying to guess who is going to die in the next Nicholas Sparks movie and will quit pointing out that General Hospital spends very little time in a hospital and should actually be General Mafia. In return, please willingly ignore the glaring stupidity of the “sport” I choose to watch. And if you are extra nice, I will try to explain the new free guard zone rules.

Casserole Dish, I Curse You.

There is a glass casserole dish that is currently the bane of my existence. OK, well, maybe not the bane. But definitely a bane.

You see, when I do the dishes and put them in the drying rack, I'll put them away the next morning. But I have an unspoken rule: "I will only put away dishes when I know where they go." This rule works very well for the arcane tools that could either serve to frost a cake or well serve a medieval bloodletter. And since I didn't get those tools out, it makes sense that I shouldn't necessarily have to put them away. Plus, the frustration my wife displays when these tools turn up missing (usually because I put them in the wrong place) makes me wonder if, once found, she'll first use them to decorate a cupcake or the other use mentioned above.

However, this unspoken rule is not currently serving me well with the casserole dish. You see, I used to know where it goes. I did. But there are cookbooks there now. And there are no obvious casserole-shaped holes anywhere in the cabinets. I've looked. But the ground I stand on here is a little shaky - it's a casserole dish we’re talking about after all and not a closed star pastry tip.

So, I just leave it in the drying rack. And after a week of filling and emptying the drying rack around it, what I had always suspected becomes a hardened fact - my wife has an unspoken rule, too: "If you washed it, you put it away."

So, here we're stuck - husband and wife and their unspoken rules battling it out. Very quietly.

This stuff isn't fun to talk about. On the conversation checklist, it falls way down the list below the favorites,

• Look at this cute thing your daughter did!
• You won't believe who I bumped into!
• Did you see that dancing Wedding Video?

the inevitables,

• Wait, what happened at work?
• Will you give the baths tonight?
• Did the repairman call back?

and the old standbys

• What do you want to do about dinner?
• When is that meeting again?
• What do you want to watch on TV now that the girls are down?

After all that, there is little energy left for

• Hey, hon. About this casserole dish...

But it has finally dawned on me that having this conversation is important. I might not have thought so a few years ago, but a friend of mine was writing a great book and really opened my eyes to all the assumptions that get made when things go unsaid. And even as “modern” as I hope my wife and I are on dividing work, I can’t help but notice that the default is that she deals with more timely and delicate issues, like getting the girls dressed and taking temperatures, and the default is that I deal with less glamorous issues or more laborious issues, like taking out trash or putting up Christmas lights. I am pretty sure the division would be roughly the same if my wife and I discussed it, but right now we are just falling into patterns rather than making a conscious choice. And that seems dangerous.

So, tonight I am going to finally have that conversation with my wife. “I love you. You are beautiful and you mean so much to me. Now, about this casserole dish…” And it may turn out that she doesn’t actually have an unspoken rule and she really could care less about a dish sitting around for a week. But I care enough to find out.